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Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I Hate Technology

Lately the internet and technology in general seems like it was purposely designed by impish jawas to frustrate and anger me.

Like websites that use Javascript that only works on a 1982 version of a now defunct Linux browser.  But I don't know that, all I see is a button that I can click 30 trillion times and NOTHING IS EVER EVER EVER GOING TO HAPPEN!  That's an exaggeration, most of these websites are really reacting to my copious use of ad, popup, and tracker blockers.  But dammit, if you're gonna show me a button, MAKE SURE ITS READY TO DO SOMETHING WHEN I CLICK IT!

 I have a garage door clicker.  Any guesses how often that works on one press?

My TOASTER has a secret button with unreadable white-on-chrome letters for when I smell smoke and I want to stop the FIRE.  It will not simply pop up by lifting the lever like toasters have from the DAWN OF TIME.

My smoke alarm is great at telling me that the spot of pizza cheese on the bottom of the oven that has filled the house with smoke needs attention.  After everyone is already opening windows.

My TV.  Oh it's pretty.  But it comes on in whatever mode it was left in, (TV, Video game) and is UNCONTROLLABLE for about 2 minutes while the software reboots.  And how do I know it's done rebooting?  Does it pop a nice little line of text? NO!  I just have to start pressing remote buttons until it works.

Netflix...
Netflix...
Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix,Netflix.
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Service not available...

You know, I have always had a gas stove.  Once when I was teaching my daughter to cook and use the stove safely, we put on a pot with some hot dogs.  The fire was going, but the food didn't seem to be cooking fast enough for my daughter and she asked me if something could be wrong with it.

I began to think about it like I did with my old electric apartment piece of crap stove from my college days, which would regularly not work.  But then I just looked at the flames under the pot and told my daughter.  "It's fire.  Man has been using fire for a long time now, it's pretty reliable."

My point is this.  Don't be too proud of this technological wonder you've constructed.  It's trying to make your head explode with anger.  And that is the path to the dark side.
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Bryan Valencia is a contributing editor and founder of Visual Studio Journey.  He owns and operates Software Services, a web design and hosting company in Manteca, California.

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